The intimacy of a Blog

I recently realized how much thought I put in to titles... of anything, poems, stories, papers, blogs... I have to have a title before I can start writing. I feel I need something to center my thoughts around I suppose. I have been known to go back and change a title once the writing has ceased, however it is rare that I just start flowing without a title at the top of the page. With that out of the way, I was pondering what I would say if certain people asked to read my blogs. I realized how personal blogs can be... I guess they are like internet journals, but the intensity I put into some of my posts I would not want to share with everyone. So weird to think when I am blasting this out for God only knows who. Probably not as many people as I think, which is fine with me, I suppose I write more as a source of venting as opposed to humoring or inspiring others. I would like to think that my writing would be interesting enough to have a repeat following if one decided to browse through and stumble upon Ms. Mofo.

Onto a completely different course, isn't it strange how in our days of growth we begin to realize that the relationship foundation we once thought we had with a close relative has never been what was thought to be. This person has in a sense held you back and at this point you have become so blanketed with fear you have no escape. Not so much physical fear, but the fear of a collapse. Fear that the relationship would crumble and there would be no way to dig out of the ruble. Maybe this is just what the relationship needs? A confrontation, but how to go about it? A person you once thought you entrusted so much in and now have come to realize you entrust nothing to this person. This person holds none of your secrets, knows few of your dreams, of your loves, passions, needs. I would think it is worth it to rebuild, start somewhere and try to have a foundation, even a mountain of a relationship with this person. Well maybe not a mountain rather a vault. Vaults are safer than mountains... maybe not as beautiful, but much more reliable.

.....

Did that really happen?
Things begin to go your way
Your head is held higher
Your smile lasts longer
Your heart flutters
then
Silence
Now what?
Patience
Hope
Faith

Patience is a virtue that I have a very hard time slowing down for. I prefer the I want it now option in most things, this generally leads to trouble, why hasn't the lesson been learned????

Things happen for a reason at the right time... not when we want them to or expect them to.... just wait it out little girl!!!

Dreaming of Revelry

First off let me say that Kings of Leon hats off to you gentlemen.... it isn't often you can go to a concert and the band sounds better live than they do on c.d. but these guys were phenomenal to say the least. Not only that but the crowd there was amazing as well. I was very impressed with OKC. I had no idea it was such a happening little place. I am pretty certain in my vodka and redbull induced stuper I fell in love with no less than 4 men! A very liberating experience. I was able to share time with a friend and really grow to know them as a person... a true priceless experience had in an expensive weekend! Things to commemorate this fantastic weekend:
King of Leon (enough said there)
Sky Bar
A beautiful bartender
The foreign boy who stole my heart
The shower of dreams
The shower of dreams again
A 3lb baked potato
Cheever's
Chicken and Waffles (delicious)
coffee,cream,splenda
6 hours of drive time with no need for a radio


In lue of the concert, fall, and thoughts weighing on my heart I will close with some beautiful lyrics from KOL:

What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine
With the fire in my bones And the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night so high don't wanna come down
To face the loss of the good thing that I have found
Woo hoo hoooo
Woo hoo hoooo
In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts, I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if your ever around
even though it was me who drove us right into the ground
See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry
Gonna run baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back I wont ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along that had a hold of my heart
But the demon in me was a best friend from the start
So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
And I told myself oh the way you go
it rained so hard it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods, in the dark of the night
Palest pale of the old moonlight
Everythings just felt so incomplete
Dreaming of revelry

To sugar or not to sugar.....

The epitome of adulthood for me has always been black coffee. I have thought that once I reached the point in my life where I could drink coffee black and truly enjoy it, then I would be a full fledged adult. I was always mesmerized by the Folger's commercials as a youngster and would sing the chorus "It's Folgers in your hup" What a hup was I have no idea, but that is how I liked to sing a long, and I recollect my father not letting me have a cup of joe until I sang the song correctly. Who gives a child coffee???? A braver man that I will be with little mama I assure the audience.

As of now I am still approximatley two equal packets away from adulthood. Pretty scary to realize actually. I wonder if adulthood will feel differently? Will I suddenly have a visible sign of it, or will it just be an innerpeace type of thing? Dear Jesus just don't let it require bad shoes or mom jeans!!

For the love of Fall

I always find myself sighing relief at summer's end, not that I don't enjoy the warm and lazy days the summer offers merely I feel fall kind of comes just in time to keep my head on straight. This is why I love being a Kansas and having the opportunity to enjoy all four seasons. I feel that each year as the leaves turn and fall so does the dead weight of the prior year of my life. In a sense like a snake shedding her skin. I was chatting the other day with a friend and realized that I am somewhat of a worthless writer without some heartache in my life. I think that I need to shake that from my writer psych because I am not up for sob poems anytime in the near or far future.
I would like to say I have been doing a little soul searching lately, but to be quite honest I am always soul searching, it has become a continuous wash, rinse, and repeat cycle with me. I think as humans who are in constant states of change in one way or another we never really settle, or at least I would like to think this is true. And I don't mean in a "sow your oats" way, because I truly believe two people can connect and remain faithful to each other for their lifetime, I just mean that people need new things in their life. Don't let your imagination and dreams sink to the bottom of your snowglobe.
I feel no need to settle and I must admit regretfully there are days I feel I have settled. I have a fierce love of music and dance and yet I have pushed that out of my life for the sake of a career. I have not, however given up my dream of pursuing in some shape or form a life in the arts, so I guess that gives me something to look forward to after school is under my belt. This may sound selfish but I don't want to be one of those parents that gets lost in their childrens lives. I want to do things I enjoy, have a hobby and extra curricular activities. I see all to frequently adults who have become cab drivers for their children and never stop to take a breathe and have a life of their own.
Maybe this is why Disney movies never show life after marriage and kids.....

In conclusion to my ramble I am excited for what the blowing leaves will bring into my life and will try to be accepting of turning colors...

Things to do before I'm gone

So a girl at work was talking about all of these random things she wants to do in her lifetime and it got me thinking if I had any random things I myself would like to learn or do before I die.... the list starting pouring out and hasn't stopped!!! SO I figured I would share them:

Learn to break dance
Learn to spin (aka DJ)
Learn to play drums
Be in a band
Be in a musical
Fly in a hot air balloon
Create a t-shirt line
backpack the parts of Europe most people don't go to
Ride a double decker bus
Learn a foreign language fluently
Be in a dance crew
Be on television
Sing professionally
Graduate College
Be a teacher
Win a spelling bee
Get a masters
Buy a house
Learn to successfully drive a manual car
Be in a rodeo
Have a resturaunt
Get married
Be on a cooking show
Have an interview on COnnan O'Brien
Be on the Price is Right
Create a make up line
Write a book
Photograph a wedding

Ok I'll stop for now =)

Hope this gives some insight to who I am and want to become!!!!

Well, Well, well

Sigh.... This past month of my life has been quite a spectacle and I can't say that I am unhappy, rather a bit shocked and taken back. I just feel like people are starting to wash out of my life while others gain more importance. My two best friends don't mesh so well and as the days go by my closeness with one is constantly gaining, due in large part to the fact that we are in very similar situations in our life and it brings about a bigger bond than either one of us were expecting. It is nice to be around people who know what you are going through... who can relate... and when they say "I know how you feel" you know they aren't feeding you some over used line of bullshit. My friend of years and years is nowhere to be found... this is how it always is with us, but in a way I feel like there is going to be a time when we just stop talking all together for good for no good reason. And sad as it may be I think I will be ok when that happens. You realize that the people you once longed to spend your time with you now have nothing to even send them in a text. Such is the change of life.... I guess I just figured that after a certain period it would stop.... then I read a quote yesterday one I have heard before, but it speaks so true.... "The only constant thing in this world, is change." That being said it never ceases to amaze me how people are lack the ability to cope with it. Change is scary but good Lord I am so thankful for it..... I guess I say I embrace change because I am a free spirit.... granted I get highly agitated when things don't go my way, but when the breeze blows in newness I am appreciative.

Was I getting to a point in this??? I don't really think so ... just in a blogging mood =)

Do I fight it?

After a few weekends of crazy happenings it has lead me to try to recalculate my bearings on my life. I had been on a pretty clear headed track of life... focused, determined, set.... Don't get me wrong I am still plugging along finishing school and kicking it's behind in the process. I have come to far now to give up that dream, what I am implying or questioning rather is have I crossed back over to the days of old? I used to be pretty out of control.... irresponsible and just didn't give a shit about anyone, at times barely my own well being. I was up for living it up and had no reason to save face ever... but it cost me pretty dearly. My independence and freedom I had embraced were ripped out from under me, which was a blessing in disguise, but that doesn't make it any easier. I have really tried to keep myself busy with activities that don't involve drinking because they seem to just bring back that longing for the night life lifestyle again which is not possible or wanted for that matter. It is just hard to get up everyday and say ok this is what I have to do now. I can't just hop up and go run an errand anymore... there is a process.... get baby, carseat, diaper bag, ... etc....
I love my life as a mom it just really hits you in the gut sometimes how different life has become and how things you never dreamed would be any more awkward or difficult suddenly are... such as dating. I guess this has sprung up from recent meetings and greetings that have left me feeling like a damn giddy school girl with a crush but feeling in the back of my head it will never work so why even try? What could we possibly have to offer each other? He isn't ready to handle this responsibilty..... and then there is the distance.
I heard a song recently that kind of suits me right now... I love it so I'll send off with the lyrics

I've been roaming around Always looking down at all I see Painted faces, fill the places I cant reach You know that I could use somebody You know that I could use somebody Someone like you, And all you know, And how you speak Countless lovers under cover of the street You know that I could use somebody You know that I could use somebody Someone like you Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat I hope it's gonna make you notice I hope it's gonna make you notice Someone like me Someone like me Someone like me, somebody Someone like you, somebody Someone like you, somebody Someone like you, somebody I've been roaming around, Always looking down at all I see

Kings of Leon ... check em out

So not so much

I really figured that when I started this whole blog mess I would be on here more than appropriate, but actually this is only my second log in and I have put my blog to some shame =) Anyways... the days here are hotter than ever and being a profuse sweater this makes most drive homes unenjoyable to say the least.

My little child is growing in her third tooth and it is a vampire fang!! It is on the top portion of her mouth in the kanine section which is pretty odd, so here in a week or so she should be looking like a mini monster to match her attitude!!

One of my good friends dog died yesterday, well actually it was mauled by a neighbor dog and had to be put down. I honestly had to hold back tears when I heard this. This little dog has been in all of our lives for over 12 years and became a part of the fam. It is sad to think he had to die in such a vicious way.

In other news... I have been having some off the wall dreams lately and I am not sure why? They are only dreams but they still make you wonder.............

Blog-a-holics

So, I am sitting at work trying to do some geology homework when my boss lovingly begins to pout because I am not a follower of her blog. My response was simply, " I read your blogs I just don't want anyone to know I do!"

So she sucked me into the world of blogging and I do not forsee either of us doing anything of value the rest of this short work week.

My recent summer school class has put a more informative spin on my beliefs, I am taking a geology class and we are now studying the evolution and creation of the earth. After actually taking the time to read and research via class what geologists believe it is safe to say my beliefs as a follower of Christ are strengthened. I won't go into a big religious plunge, but will leave with this statement. Scientist put their faith in science... Christians put their faith in Christ

Ok, so that is all for now... I must return to my fossils postings.